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symphonys journal, 2024
i'm not making this page pretty, sorry, it's a dumpster. no trigger warnings read with caution
sept 07, 2024
i dont think you understand how rabid these aliens make me feel. AND THEY ARE LITERALLY GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me,.
uermm... well the orville this shitty fuck shit of a tv show has captivated me beyond belief, specifically the race of evil robots in it called the kaylon :/ UGH ITS NOT FAIR ITS LITERALLY MADE BY SETH MCFARLANE ITS HIS DUMB STAR TREK SELF INSERT SHOWWWW but they have ptsd robots you guys. these robots have got ptsd. family guy gave these robots ptsd and one of them falls in love with a human woman. do you hear me
sept 04, 2024
I'm either on 100mg of marijauna or there really are singing canyons within me. Agh I'm listening to some song on Spotify and its beats are aligning with my heart palpitations and I'm starting to think it's all pretty doomed.
aug 31, 2024
thinking of making an orville shrine when i finish s3
it's a trauma anniversary for me, though im still not sure what happened, but every year on labor day weekend i am nearly hospitalized for suicidal ideation. every year without fail, and i only stay home because psych hospitals are notttt a good place for someone like me to be so my family tries to avoid taking me there as much as they can. i woke up extremely depressed and freaked out this morning really bad, then my mom pointed out the date to me and... it feels better somehow knowing this is a pattern & this intensity will pass eventually
aug 27, 2024
what am i even for. i dont know what im for
its like ok... i dont know how to be a person or be in any kind of relationship because i am just so starved of them. i am just so hungry. i dont know how to communicate with pthers anymore. maybe i never did
i need a queerplatonic partner
man i need to utilize this space more especially bc i am at all times deeply upset about my life and this is a safe place to express that
june 13, 2024
i have no way to ever feel comfortable
i wish i could trust people but i just cant. i dont trust anyone besides myself and that's a problem and im working on it but every time ive trusted someone it has backfired so. lol
june 12, 2024
who up yearning for infinite platonic closeness
june 08, 2024
i keep forgetting about this. i have so many places to write down my thoughts - physical journal, iphone journal, this page, the blog page on my main website, the vent app - but i can't seem to keep up with them. my thoughts rush at a pace that is too fast to be contained. i could spend every hour documenting every thought i have and i would still spiral. ack. ack!!!!! i am, perhaps, too introspective. maybe i get too caught up in myself. i really am so obsessed with myself it's becoming a problem
may 27, 2024
i feel like i am going through life alone. when i can't talk to the eople i love--which is often, to no fault of anyone's---i feel like an emptiness. it feels like everyone is busy and there's no place for me anywhere in anyone's life--like i'm the last bits of batter left over when the pan is full but when there's not enough left to make it into anything else so it goes in the garbage. i feel like i'm just crammed into everyone else's life, and not prioritized. because if people prioritized me, they would talk to me when they get a chance, and that never happens, and i get no updates so i'm left in the dust to wonder if they're busy or dead or ignoring me or not up to talking. i feel like everything in my life is superficial and i'm tired of it
started watching hacks last night. i love WLW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had another explodey moment when something i baked went a bit awry - and i feel soososososossos bad about it because i just can't stop stressing everyone out. i can't get rid of the guilt if i am still constantly doing things i need to be guilty over, like getting angry for no reason. i feel stuck.
may 26, 2024
i find myself forcing myself to change because i want the approval of one specific person and it sucks
stop pulling away from me
i'm so drained of energy today :( i keep waking up at like 2pm, i have for the last 2 or so days, and being too exhausted to really move around. i have pots so i'm pretty sure this is a flareup since my heart has been feeling really funky these days too. i can't see a doctor though because of insurance fuckery 🙃
may 24, 2024
every time i take a nap and wake up i'm so disoriented and want to die really bad like idk why but for some reason sleeping is such a huge trigger for me lmao
im so tired of stomach discomfort. i have had SO many problems with my stomach for sooo long but my doctor thinks im bat shit because i had undiagnosed schizophrenia and health ocd for a year so... if i ask to go to a specialist she will be like ugh. fine. she doesnt even believe i have hashimotos lmfao it was my OBGYN who ordered me on synthroid... anyway idk i might try anyway because every day is agonizing
anyway i need to stop feeling guilty. guilty for loving, guilty for wanting (the BIG ONE!!!), guilty for having, guilty for needing... i dont know how to feel about anything anymore because i cannot parse anything outside of my own guilt and my Own feelings about things. i was about to say "sorry for making this page and only rambling about my mental health" but that's the GUILT again! how do you let go of the only feeling you have ever known! the feeling of guilt is now safe for me and i hate that
UGHGHGHGHHGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGGHGHHGHGHGHGGHGHGHH i keep feeling guilty for Everything i do. and i don't know why this habit has been so engraved into me but it's like it's been carved into my circuitry and idk if it can be sanded over, extracted....... AGH!! oh wait i have to pray zuhr now i will continue soon
may 23, 2024
i keep smelling a hallucinatory mixture of cologne and nail polish remover
like i miss writing my novel but i never feel like i have the energy to write it. and i know "first draft is for just getting it written, don't edit" advice is true BUT i can't kill the person in my head that says "YOU ARE A BAD FICTION WRITER!!!" and it's like if i am a bad writer who am i? i've been writing since i was a kid i feel like it is the only good or interesting thing about me so if i can't do that right then what is the point of me? i think my fear of being Bad is the actual culprit, not a lack of energy, tho that's definitely a factor too (thanks chronic illness :/) but i just can't shake it. if i can't write then i am a nothingness
i need to make a page for reposing force of the great lakes thoughts... just like a random dump of rfogl related thoughts bc i sure as fuck am not writing it for real these days